The reports of my despair have been greatly exagerated...

Who was it that said the reports of their death were greatly exaggerated? (I'm sure one of you out there will know the answer to that, so I won't bother googling it...) Well, by the kindly remarks I am getting from family and friends, I am beginning to think the reports of my despair are greatly exaggerated. I am not despairing at all, as a matter of fact. I have only myself to blame, however, since the source of the concern has apparently been my blog posts. Perhaps they have been a bit too honest? Full of too many details? But let me assure everyone that while this time is a roller-coaster of emotions, and a spiritual battle ground, God is bigger and more powerful than any of the demons I struggle with in the dark. He is keeping me and sustaining me. I am trusting Him for every breath I take. My faith is growing as He meets my needs and piles on blessings.

But all that is not to say that this isn't an emotional roller coaster of a time. I have tried to be honest here about my struggles for a couple of reasons. One is that it helps me to process things and preach to myself. The other is that I hope it will help others who are struggling to know they are not alone. Sometimes in our Christian subculture, we try to paint rosy pictures of conquered fears and peace and rest where it doesn't really exist. Anyone who is facing a real threat to their mortal life experiences the effects of stress, even if they are handling it in a good and godly way. And I am here to tell you that coming to grips with death in a general way is one thing: facing it very specifically and personally is another. Honestly requires me to say this is the battle of my life and for my life, and sometimes it's dirty and difficult. That doesn't change the fact that God is bigger than it all. The other side of that sword which cuts both ways is that God doesn't always allow us to live lives that are free from the dirty or the difficult. Dirty and difficult lives may not always be pretty to look at, but when they are redeemed, they are a beautiful thing.

So, I write here to keep you informed. I write here to deal with battle honestly. I write here because I can't help but write. And I ask, gentle readers, that you read knowing I am living a dirty and difficult life in the Shadow of the Almighty.

And now I am preparing to go to the opera-- another blessing! I'll blog more about that tomorrow. It is a particular blessing tonight, since I just received a call from the Cancer Center canceling my appointment for Monday and rescheduling it for Tuesday. Yet another delay. This made me cry as I tried to make sure that I had no choice. And I don't. I told the tech I was talking to not to take the crying personally-- that I wasn't mad at her, but couldn't do anything about the crying, so please try to ignore it. That softened her a little, and we got a new appointment for Tuesday, and ended amicably enough. The roller coaster continues, and so does God's provision.