That's what I am. Today I had my preparatory visit with the radiation folks. They gave me a CT scan, and several lines and "x"s with a black sharpie marker, which was then covered with tegaderm tape. Apparently, after my next appointment, I will be an even-more-marked woman. Does that mean I am remarkable? Don't answer that...
I also was told that my treatments will not start until next week. On Monday, July 21, I will have a long appointment to finish up my marking on the treatment machine and then get my first treatment. After that, they will schedule a time for me to come 32 more times. If I make every possible appointment time, my last treatment should technically be on September 4, less than one week before we should leave for Tim's wedding on Sept. 10.
I am not sure why this whole radiation thing has been so emotionally upsetting to me. Every time I have gone to that office I find myself in tears. It is partly because they control my life and give me no choices (you show up when they tell you to, do what they say, etc.) Those of you who know me know I am a control freak, and like to plan everything out. So this is vexing to me. And perhaps it has something to do with feeling like they just marked me up like a side of beef. I definitely feel violated.
My challenge is to remember a few important things to give me perspective on all of this. First, I need to remember that it is not the radiologist or the tech "violating" me: it is the result of living in a fallen, broken world, where things like cancer violate the original plan. Secondly, I need to remember that nothing comes to my life except by my heavenly Father's permission and command. That's a big challenge when all I want to do is cry and be angry at someone. So I will need a lot of prayer support for the next 7 weeks! Here are some particular prayer requests:
~Please ask the Lord to rule over the timing of everything, and to give me the grace to humble myself beneath His frowning providence.
~Please ask that I would be a blessing to those attempting to serve me at radiation.
~Please pray that I would stop getting so upset and crying at the Cancer Center so Dave can go to work, let me go without him, and not worry about me.
~Pray that the treatments would be effective at preventing recurrence.
~Pray that there would be minimal skin damage and no damage to my lung.
~Pray that I would find blessing in this place of humiliation, and sing the praises that only the Redeemed of the Lord can sing.
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3 comments:
Chris, I know this might sound strange, but you are the first person I know that has gone through breast cancer AND shares the little details. I appreciate that! I know it helps you process things but it also helps me to understand what you are going through (and what others are going/have gone through) which helps me to know how to pray. Now every time I see the pile of sharpies in my pencil holder on my desk... I'll be praying for you!
Hugs,
Renee
Oh, Chris, I wish I could give you a hug and discuss my own "weeping disorder," much at bay right now. I know how awful that can make you feel, but at least you have a reason for it! I speculate that part of your distress comes from this being such an intimate, scary, mortality-underlining, potentially painful process, and one you have to "show up for" over and over and over again...and then for the people at the Cancer Center, it's all routine and they're brusque and hardened to it. I know that doesn't help. Consider yourself hugged, a good, long one. Local friends, would you help me out with this one?!
Blessings,
Cindy
Chris, If you need a ride to and from these appointments, give me a call. I'd be happy to help and it would give us time to visit.
Colleen
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