On to radiation

Yesterday Dave and I went to the radiology oncologist, and then debriefed in the evening with our dear friend Greg (radiologist and pal extraordinaire!) It was a tough day for me. The basic news is this:

• I will go in next Monday for my evaluation and prep set-up for whole-breast radiation.
• Soon thereafter I will start a 6.5 week, 33-treatment, traditional radiation cycle, being treated at the Cancer Institute in Santa Fe five-days a week until September. If there is no interruption (due to health issues for me) then I should finish the week before Tim and Nikki's wedding.
  
• I am allowed to drive myself, and have the possibility at least of small side-effects (fatigue, sunburn-like skin issues).
• Our hope for the accelerated partial-breast irradiation was nixed by the doc as she feels I am "too young" (!!!). They only have 10 years of data for the new treatment, and in those 10 years the outcomes are the same as for whole-breast irradiation. But because there is no data beyond 10 years, and my life-expectancy should exceed that, she is discouraging us from that option. Instead, she wants us to take the "safe" route of standard-of-care in our treatment. She does this treatment with older women. So, for the current time, we are going along with that, while continuing to pray and think about it.

So, that doesn't sound so bad, nor very unexpected. Why was it such a difficult day for me? I think I have had a couple weeks of recuperating and not thinking about the battle. It's been kind of nice. Additionally, I really think the tamoxifen makes me weary, and possibly a little emotionally unstable. This was confirmed by Greg, who told me that they use higher doses of tamoxifen to help manic-depressive folks to come "down" and be able to sleep: it alters brain chemistry. So, yesterday, I had an emotional crash with no intellectual reason for it, and knowing that it is a side-effect from the drugs helps me to know I'm not losing my mind altogether! It's so hard to decide what effect is from the surgeries, what is from the stress, what is from the cancer, what is from the drugs... and I guess all this reminds me of the battle I'm fighting. That is sometimes a tough reminder.

On Sunday, as we discussed prayer in our Sunday school class, Dave brought up as an example that he has had to pray for both my healing if it is God's will, and for God's will if it is not for my healing. It is God's will we want, not our own only. It is sobering, but it is good to remember that our time is limited here, and we don't control the beginning nor the end of it. It encourages me to remember that those things we see here are temporary, and start paying closer attention to the eternal. And that is a good thing. As it says in 2 Corinthians 4:16-18:

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Here are some specific prayer requests, if you would do me the honor of praying for me!

• Please pray that I would find ways to continue to fix my eyes on Jesus in the ups and downs of this trial, remembering to make a priority of the things that are eternal.
• Please ask for effective treatment of the cancer, and as few side-effects from the tamoxifen and the radiation as possible.
• Please ask God to help me to recognize the emotional times that are just side-effects and battle them as such, and not take them out on my family and friends. Ask that I would assemble all the weapons necessary for the spiritual battle in this fight, and use them well with the help of the Spirit.
• Please ask the Lord to work out all the details of the upcoming wedding, and that I could be fully a part of things.
• Please ask the Lord for the grace to humble myself under His hand in this moment, and accept the details I would not have planned with trust in Him.

Thank you for your continued prayer support. It carries me...