Tuesday, November 18, 2008

On being tired

The Sovereign LORD has given me an instructed tongue,
to know the word that sustains the weary.
He wakens me morning by morning,
wakens my ear to listen like one being taught.
~Isaiah 50:40

Words fail me when I try to express how tired I feel. I think this is body-weariness, not spiritual or emotional depression, though, of course, my emotions are swayed by how I feel physically. To deny our feelings would be to deny that we are incarnational beings, both spirit, breathed of God, and physical body. So our emotions flow with our bodies, and we sometimes have to fight to remember the truth through the body weariness!

He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
~Isaiah 40:29-31

I think I am doing well over-all. "The plan" from my endocrinologist is simply resting and re-scanning everything in 6 months. That seems to be everyone's plan: mammograms and scans in March sometime. I will see my primary care doc in December to discuss the auto-immune issue (sarcoidosis) and see if I need to do any follow-up on that. But I think this time is primarily for recovery. My poor body needs it: I still can't sing a whole hymn due to the strangeness in my throat and neck after the last surgery; I am still peeling a bit and having mild pain from my radiation; and mostly, I am just tired to the bone.

The physical tiredness that makes me feel as if I will never contribute any good gifts to the world of men or the cause of Christ again is my spiritual battle ground these days. I am trying to wrap my mind around the truth that I need to rest right now, but that I will likely not have to rest for the all of my life. It is so easy to become discouraged when you are too tied to accomplish anything. I guess this is a good lesson for me, a self-revelation of how much I find my worth in the things I do, instead of finding my identity where I should, in Christ. I need to embrace this time in my life, and wait on the Lord for my strength to return. Can I do that in peace and security, or will I keep fighting it because it's not the way I want it to be? I hope and pray I can be given the grace to rest in my God.

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
~Hebrews 12:2

So, I am preaching to myself again. These are the words that sustain me.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
~Galatians 6:9

May God give me the strength to rest in Him.


Julie said...

rest. it is the only thing we can do some days. so rest. and sleep. and blog. because we are encouraged by what you share. Love and encouragement from Julie.

Julie said...

rest. sleep. sometimes it is all we can do. but keep blogging because you encourage us. Love and encouragement from Julie.

Juanita said...

So, Chris, are you napping regularly?

Seriously, I hope that you are able to just sit and relax and rest. This is God's time for your body to heal and even though it may seem hard now, it will be better soon.

Do you knit or crochet? I really like having something to do with my hands when I'm sitting. I don't always feel like reading, especially if I'm tired, but knitting is very soothing.

Hope you see progress day by day.