Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Like an obedient child

Today I had a pulmonary function test, and saw the pulmonologist again. The upshot of both the pulmonary function test and the high-resolution CT-Scan is that he does not think that sarcoidosis is currently a problem in my lungs. My asthma, however, is a bit of a problem. He gave me a rather stern talking to, regarding the fact that I should not be afraid of my asthma meds (especially my Advair), but I should be afraid of my asthma, and gave me some good guidelines for my treatment of it. On the small chance that my asthma symptoms *are* indeed the sarcoidosis, we would treat it with Advair, just like the asthma, so we are covering that base.

Over all I think I continue to see very small improvements in my energy and stamina. So I am hopeful that eventually, and very gradually, they may both increase. The challenge I am facing is dealing with the tamoxifen side effects. (The pulmonologist said, "Tamoxifen makes everyone feel like crap, but it's better than having a breast cancer recurrence!" and he's right.) I am such a coward about pain...I hate the aches and pains, I miss being able to sing, and I'm tired of the headaches and brain fogginess. I would like to wake up one morning and think, "Ah, a new day!" with joy and anticipation. Instead, I have to struggle to thank God for getting me through the night, ask Him to help me face the day, and struggle to get moving.

But when I think about it, I know God has his purposes even in this. How else should I be starting every day except by thanking God and committing myself to him? It is a testimony to my own weakness and self-centeredness that it takes pain to force me into this habit of the heart. So, may the Lord keep me where he wants me until those habits are ingrained and part of me. May his goodness extend to me in the pain that keeps me focused on him. And may I learn my lessons like an obedient child.

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