Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Rejoicing whether I feel like it or not


OK. Today I am tired. I got around the circuit at Curves twice for the first time in months. And, following two days of snow shoveling, albeit slow shoveling with frequent rests, it wore me out.

And honestly, I am also tired of fighting the mental and spiritual battle to keep my weary brain and heart where they ought to be instead of where they go when left to themselves. I am beginning to understand anew Paul's analogy of fighting the good fight, and running the long race. I exercise, I rest, I fight with guilt I shouldn't have, ignore guilt that is entirely and rightly mine when I shouldn't, and feel irritated when people intrude (or don't intrude, depending upon who they are) upon the chaos in my inner self. *Sigh* There is nothing new under the sun. I bet many of you, Gentle Readers, fight the same fight, and feel bludgeoned or exhausted sometimes.

I am learning that, for myself, the first thing I need to do when I start feeling this way is to take a nap. I am slowly learning that this is the first sign of my body weariness. So I am heading for a nap now. And while I prepare to sleep, and after I wake up, I will tell myself the truth for the millionth time, and try to listen to it. I will try to remember God's blessings to me specifically, and be thankful. And I will rejoice in the constancy of His love for me, whether I feel like it at the moment or not. I hope one day to lay this burden down for good, and hear those precious words, "Well done, good and faithful servant..." But in the meantime, I hope and rejoice.

3 comments:

Sarah S. said...

Aunt Chris,

I am so sorry for your guilt and weariness. :( Remember that we all do love you, and are praying for you and thinking of you. And of course, as you said, do remember, that He always, always loves you.

*hugs*

Sarah

Julie said...

I try to check your blog everyday. your situation is different but our emotions cover the same area. you are a word-smith that can express so much of my heart. Yah, ahuh, amen. You can tell my vocabulary could use some help regarding my emotions. Thank you. hugs

Julie said...

I try to check your blog everyday. your situation is different but our emotions cover the same area. you are a word-smith that can express so much of my heart. Yah, ahuh, amen. You can tell my vocabulary could use some help regarding my emotions. Thank you. hugs