Tuesday, April 14, 2009

A stream-of-conscience update

Yesterday I was pretty tired from the weekend fun, and started the day with even more fun: a C-T scan. The nice technician, C, couldn't get my IV started. After some amount of pushing, shoving and digging, he began eying my other arm. Ever since the surgery and lymph node removal over there, I am supposed to tell people "NO!" when they want to use my left arm, so I did, and C began eying the back of my hand for a whole new approach. I explained that the whole hand thing didn't appeal to me. To his credit, C said, "Yeah, it hurts a lot more..." So I left C to his own thoughts and prayed for divine intervention. C then said, "Let me see if I can find someone else to try this." Hurrah, God! C returned shortly with K, who has easily been working in the radiology department my whole adult life, and inspires confidence. But K had a tough time, too, though it did appear he eventually got it in and going. When it was time for that odd feeling of the contrast to rush through my body, however, it came with some arm pain that I had not felt before. I was just about to ignore the recorded voice that was saying, "Breath; hold your breath." and holler for C when it stopped hurting, so I continued and finished my test, glad to get it over with and get home for a nap!

Later in the day I went out to finish cleaning out one of my flower beds and enjoy the beautiful Spring day. The warmth of the sun encouraged me to take off my sweatshirt, and when I did, I discovered a huge, bulging, purple bruise about an inch above the injection site. I have never had anything like it in previous tests, so I called the radiology department, and they told me to ice it and elevate it. That did help, and today already it is fading. But I guess my veins were determined not to bow even to the exprience of K yesterday.

This also reminds me of my determination not to bow to the fatigue and weariness I feel some days. I think over all my energy level is slowly improving. Then I have days like today. Last night I had a pain episode (I have self-diagnosed ovarian cysts...) and woke tired and weary. But I determined to tough through it, and met my friend Kelley for a little walk up on the Hill. We had only done about a third of our usual walk when I knew I had to cut it short. By the time we had returned to our starting point, I was shaking, sweating, and faint. Why don't I listen to my body instead of giving it orders all the time? Why don't I hear when it cries "Rest, rest!" instead of just pushing ahead with my agenda as if I have the power to overcome such things?

And that reminds me of how I listen to the Lord sometimes (or more appropriately, don't listen). He guides me by His word and by the events and people He brings into my life. And sometimes He is telling me things very clearly, but because I don't want to hear them, I plunge ahead as if what I want is what matters. What foolishness. So this afternoon, I'm resting and reflecting on the fact that I am not in control of my life or anything else. But I know the One who is, and He is gentle and good, and doesn't do anything without a gracious reason for it.

Please keep the following things in your prayers:
*For good results from the C-T scan yesterday, which I should receive at a doctor's appointment on the 24th (a week from Friday)
*For continued health and growing strength
*For sensitivity to the voice of God in my life, and the desire to follow His lead and calling

1 comment:

amy in NM said...

praying Chris! Thanks for an encouraging weekend. Thanks for listening to me babble (vent) for most of our trip south. I can so relate to having God speak clearly and then not wanting to hear so going my own way. I know that I have used Gods words to get what I want too. So trying to decide what God is saying and not what I am manipulating His words to say can be tough.
Miss you and Dave already,
And I did call T/B :)