Tuesday, October 02, 2012

A couple of realizations

This afternoon I found myself on the phone with the diagnostic lab, then the insurance company, then the lab again.  This is just common fare for anyone managing a complicated medical life.  As I was on hold (which is also simply a fact of my life,) I found myself thinking, "Be kind, be forthright, sound assured, don't get angry."  And then realization number one hit me.

I have spent a good deal of my life trying to learn enough to feel self-assured when I speak to people, hoping to attain that wisdom and grace of full age that makes me a joy to talk to and a knowledgeable conversationalist, whether we're discussing Chaucer or philosophy or insurance claims.  And now that I'm well into my fifties, and should be there, I have somehow slipped right past my powerful years and into my dotage.  Now, instead of self-assured and powerful, I need notes to remmber what I want to say, and have to shore up my emotions so I won't slip into old lady tears.  And then realization number two hit.

The vision of age with grace and wisdom, or powerful maturity, is probably the same old illusion I've always had of whatever stage of life I'm not in. The reality is only that I am me, always and anon. Whatever stage I'm in, I always want to be in a different one because I am such a flop at the one I'm in. I simply can't escape me, and i never live up to my own expectations.

So, instead of trusting in my powerful reason or steady voice or amassed wisdom, or whatever greener grass calls to me from afar, when will I just stop it and start trusting Christ no matter what? Now THAT would be wisdom, Gentle Reader!


Quotidian Life said...

I'm a step behind you, Chris, but I'm noting what a humbling time of life this seems to be. Somehow, I didn't expect that--like I thought I would have things figured out by now or something? I don't know. Like you said, "wherever I go, there I am." (Who said that?) At the same time, I'm finding that the striving is decreasing and that is nice.

Randy Greenwald said...

Dear Flop,

I like you just the way you are.


Billy Joel

(And me...)