Under a cloud

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
   his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
   great is your faithfulness.
"The LORD is my portion," says my soul,
   "therefore I will hope in him."
~Lamentation 3: 22-24

 Lately I have been waking up under a cloud.  And I don't mean the plume of smoke from the Las Conchas fire, though it still wafts our way from time to time. This is more of the feeling of a cloud that descends as I wake. It is a feeling akin to depression, but I know it has nothing to do with the reality of my situation.  I know it has something to do with the tamoxifen I take to increase my chances of remaining cancer free, because if I take my entire dose at night that feeling is so strong that I can't get out of bed in the morning.  But when I split my dose, it is there more subtely, flirting around the edges of my heart.  And perimenopause may not be helping it either.

I am not sharing this with you, Gentle Reader, to solicit your sympathy.  Instead, I think we sometimes keep these kinds of struggles quietly to ourselves, hoping no one will think we are weak or faithless. And then when this cloud envelops the next person, he or she thinks, as we do, that he is alone in his struggle.  So I am saying that if you have to struggle out from under an emotional cloud, I am here, struggling with you.

The very early morning hours, when I am not yet fully awake, tend to determine my victory or defeat..  If I give in then, instead of disciplining my thoughts and heart, I will despair.  But if my weapons are ready to fight, I can get through that cloud and on with my day.  I do it by depending on God's grace, and using his means of grace. I memorize Scripture, like the verses above, and repeat them and meditate on them.  I try to make my first thoughts in the morning thoughts of praise and thanksgiving for God;'s gifts and provision through the night. And I remind myself that feelings are just that: feelings, but not necessarily something to rule my life. And my husband and close friends encourage and uphold me, too, whne I let them know where I am.  I am so grateful for these dear friends!

I am hopeful that when I complete my course of tamoxifen, which is God's good gift to me for another two years, I will emerge from this cloud a more mature person, more ready to follow Christ and imitate Him.  May you prepare your weapons to fight the clouds that descend upon you, Gentle Reader.  Remember the saints who have fought such circumstances before us: Paul and Martin Luther, Spurgeon and Cowper. They were given grace sufficient for their tasks.  May God provide for us in such a way.